WTF Is That Emoji? Part 2
Welcome to WTF Is That Emoji? Part 2, where we review our favorite icons across devices. From Android to Samsung, not all emoji are created equal. In this issue, we review the burrito, pot of food, alien monster, and woman playing water polo emojis. And if you missed Part 1, make sure to start there.
We’re going to start things off strong. Apple, your details are pure beauty. That tortilla is gorgeous, your foil is perfectly torn, and those beans? Awesome. Now let’s get to some suggestions. Your rice absolutely looks like spaghettio’s, it looks like an entire cilantro plant is growing out of the mystery “dog food” meat, and why are there ice cubes? Still out of all others, yours is most likely to eat.
Google. Are. You. Ok? This looks like a paint-by-number burrito by a four year old. And what are those orange dots? Carrots? And unless it’s breakfast, we do not want eggs let alone a pickle spear. Your foil looks like it just joined Fight Club. Also pretty sure if you squint, you can see Steve Guttenberg in the foil. Google. You are excellent at helping us find “net worth of Steven Seagal” but terrible when it comes to burrito emojis.
What is this? A rocket ship? A medieval crest of the Burrito Family? The state flag of New Mexico in a tortilla? Seriously Microsoft, who’s been asking for cottage cheese, American cheese, a brick and a green comb burrito? This monstrosity looks like Wilson from Castaway, but without any of the personality. In fact if it floated out to sea we wouldn’t even cry. Points for that thick black line though.
Ummm. Cool sauce? Points given for tortilla detail, but immediately taken away for shoving gyro meat and kit-kats inside. This looks like we went over to Dave from Accounting’s house and he made us burritos by looking at the picture on the Old El Paso label. The tomato is too chunky, the cheese is too shreddy and the whole thing is stuffed so your first bite could only end in disaster. Also if you look from far away, you can totally see Animal from Muppet Babies in that burrito.
You got a ramen noodle in your burrito Samsung.This is a struggle burrito that looks full of mashed potatoes, spam with a watermelon rind thrown in for good measure. This is the burrito you made at home, brought to work, sat on the entire bus ride and are desperately trying to trade for Susan’s leftover stir-fry.
Is this a burrito? It looks like it’s surrounded by a thick cheese that has candy dots all over it. Or maybe it’s a canon wrapped in a festive Twinkie. Or a quesarito? Why are there martini olives in it? Is this actually a view of a protozoa under an electron microscope? Does the designer who made this need glasses and/or do they have a circle fetish? Is this foil the next star of Five Shades of Grey? These are questions no emoji can answer.
This looks like someone started designing a burrito then gave up after making a perfect representation of a tortilla. Is that the Hobbit’s Shire in there? You can but all the cheese you want on there, it’s not going to cover up the fact that this burrito is part burrito part haunted forest. Rumor has it, if you look at the insides like a Magic Eye, you can see a hidden image of a much better burrito emoji.
We get it, you like Space Invaders. I mean, it’s cool and all, but where’s the random bulbous eyes? Where’s the tentacles? Where’s the heart. If you ask us, we like a little bit of personality in our Alien Monsters. Cool purple shade though.
Now this is an alien monster! Or it’s several umbrellas or just one super umbrella for four very wet business people. Of all the aliens, we’d probably want to be friends and go on space adventures with this guy. Bonus points, he looks like a jellyfish and probably gets cable with those antennae ears.
Now we’re getting somewhere. This alien looks like it just put down the last $5 it had and is aggressively waiting for that beer. What is taking so long? Do you not like green tentacles otherworldly beings? This alien is one bad joke away from straight up shanking you with an alien beam or something.
Another alien that looks super friendly, but slightly more “I will kill you in your sleep”. He definitely looks like Mike Wazowskii from Monsters Inc., but also kinda like King Kai’s planet in Dragonball Z. Minus points for polka dots (they’re so 2000-late).
There is no doubt that this is an alien monster. Straight up Area 51/Krang/Mars Attacks alien here. Still, we have questions. Why is he so sad? Why does he look like wrinkly scrotum? Still, he’s got some dope Oakleys (the kind without the frames). Also, remember that Scream painting? If it wasn’t screaming, that would be this alien.
Someone has robbed this poor purple alien. Or they’re calling a touchdown. Either way those tentacles look… sensual? There’s something inherently female with this alien and we’re kinda into it. Even though her eyes are not entirely symmetrical.
Damn it Emojidex. We asked for an “alien monster” emoji not a “dinosaur without arms” emoji. Why did you take two blue gummy sharks and stick them together? Why is this E.T., but terrifying? Why is his mouth a Jack-o-Lantern? Why do we feel like the government wants to trap him and keep him away from us?
You know Apple likes to lead the pack, and compared to the other pots of food we have to subject our eyeballs to, we don’t blame them. From the sturdy, wilt-proof greens to the McDonald’s hash browns, this ain’t just any food served in a Corningware chamber pot, it’s one of our favorite shabu shabus.
You may remember the alien burrito from earlier in this post. Well it’s shape-shifted and returned as an alien stew. Some designer at Google’s still learning their shapes and this time they made a silly face featuring red blood cells, mitochondria, and a brown forehead tumor. Two gherkins round out the mouth.
Microsoft, why are you so soft? Not all images need a puffy black line protecting it from the sharp edges of the world. Sure, “food” is a loose term so we’ll forgive you for the brick of chocolate you put in your cauldron, but save the diamonds, gold and blood garnish for St. Patrick’s Day (or give them to us). If anything, this reminds us of queso fundido (minus the “fun”).
We respect a South Korean brand like Samsung to represent what looks like one long piece of spaghetti complete with Asian ingredients like scallions, fish cakes, and the suggestion of egg. The red garnish could be a pickled radish, but our vote’s on blood because we’re goth.
This pot takes us back to when we had OCD and needed our carrots, celery, chili, Mounds bar and marshmallows perfectly separated before we could eat. If designers at Facebook need recommendations for a hypnotist we know one who totally cured us (just don’t say the word “duck.”)
Previously on WTF is that Emoji?, we examined a moldy slice of pizza that HTC couldn’t bother to replace. So it’s not surprising that this time they put that pizza in a teacup and tried to pass it off as a different dish. We would be more supportive if this was an emoji for “looking out of a spacepod at newly discovered planet.”
Props to Twitter for putting the entire nations of Iceland and Greenland into their pot. That’s what we choose to believe, because otherwise we’d have to assume that the pink thing is liver with some white pills, and we don’t like mixing drugs. Also, Yoshi is totally in here eating something.
We’ve established that shabu shabu is one of the best foods, but this emoji somehow succeeds in ruining all that by putting dinner rolls and witch fingers in their pot without any soup (the best part). It’s also making us really dizzy so we’re going to lay down now.
Aside from having the complexion of a minion and jumping out of a puddle of milk, this emoji is clearly woman and clearly playing water polo (which is more than we can say for any of the others. Apple does it again, exhibiting good form, realistic shading, and believable gestures (she palms the ball like a pro).
While we were writing this, a child walked by and got really excited that there was a Bob the Builder emoji. We played along. But one day that child will realize that bad emojis happen to good people, and perfectly symmetrical waves don’t exist.
Okay, take us back to Google where people had faces and didn’t throw cyclops balls. The waves aren’t just perfect, but raging, which makes us think someone should go out and help this woman instead of watching her drown.
Now watch me yoooooou! Ahem, now that we got that out of our system, let’s mourn the loss of this old woman’s fingers and neck. She’s clearly in distress, and making the best of a bad situation when she’d rather be in bed. Speaking of bed, if you told us that water was a blanket, we wouldn’t doubt you.
It might be rude to poke fun at acid attack victims, but Facebook is rude for even making this an emoji that’s been haunting our sleep since we laid eyes on it. In our nightmares, there’s this woman pieced together with skin grafts who jumps out of an AOL CD-ROM and pelts us with gold bowling balls.
We’d rather have no face than a silent screaming face, so we don’t hate this emoji. Plus, it looks like the cover of our favorite Neutral Milk Hotel album, except the woman’s holding a ball made of macaroni that perfectly melds into her hand. She’s wearing a long blue skirt and doing the splits, which is just plain impressive.