Top 5 Reasons to Stay Out of the Kitchen
Look, we need to talk. We heard that some of your so-called friends have been experimenting with cooking. Maybe they told you it was fun and relaxing, maybe they told you it was cool, but let us make one thing clear: we don’t support that kind of behavior. Sure, it might seem harmless, but it’s a slippery slope to flambe-ing yourself into one eye brow.
Don’t believe us? Here is some irrefutable proof that cooking is the worst.
1. No foreign language skills, no problem
Cooking means knowing all sorts of fancy terms like Au jus, bain marie, Dépouiller, and Parer. You know what doesn’t require extensive language lessons (or Google Translate)? Ordering delivery. That’s because delivery loves you just the way you are. And that’s what real love is all about.
2. Easy Homemade Meatloaf still requires two hands
You know what you can do with one hand? No, not that. The other thing. Right. Placing an order online. Even better, once you’ve clicked a few buttons, you can get back to more important things…like tweeting about that dumb thing your boss said.
3. Office delivery=never forgetting your lunch
Getting to work and realizing you’ve forgotten your lunch is basically like drawing a giant rain cloud over your cube. At that point, it doesn’t matter how many hours you spent on that brisket because brisket can’t put on its shoes and come to your office. Oh, wait. It totally can.
4. Kitchens can’t be trusted. Couches can.
When was the last time you heard about someone getting hurt on the couch? Try never. That’s because you sit on the couch, it doesn’t sit on you. But kitchens? Kitchens are constantly trying to set you on fire and julien your fingers.
And just to be even more clear about how hazardous kitchens are:
You’re not seriously still thinking about going in your kitchen, are you?
5. And finally: the best recipe is for laziness
Thank you for listening. We know it’s not super cool to have an app lecturing you, but we just want you to have real information. We know you’ll make the right decision.