Bacon Sriracha Unicorn Diaries

Top 5 Reasons to Stay Out of the Kitchen

July 02, 2014
eggfail

Cooking=FAIL

Look, we need to talk.  We heard that some of your so-called friends have been experimenting with cooking. Maybe they told you it was fun and relaxing, maybe they told you it was cool, but let us make one thing clear: we don’t support that kind of behavior. Sure, it might seem harmless, but it’s a slippery slope to flambe-ing yourself into one eye brow.

Don’t believe us? Here is some irrefutable proof that cooking is the worst.

1. No foreign language skills, no problem

Cooking means knowing all sorts of fancy terms like Au jus, bain marie, Dépouiller, and Parer. You know what doesn’t require extensive language lessons (or Google Translate)? Ordering delivery. That’s because delivery loves you just the way you are. And that’s what real love is all about.

directions

Cooking is confusing, no matter what language it’s in.

2. Easy Homemade Meatloaf still requires two hands

You know what you can do with one hand? No, not that. The other thing. Right. Placing an order online. Even better, once you’ve clicked a few buttons, you can get back to more important things…like tweeting about that dumb thing your boss said.

tweetwithcaution

Be sure not to accidentally tag your boss.

3. Office delivery=never forgetting your lunch

Getting to work and realizing you’ve forgotten your lunch is basically like drawing a giant rain cloud over your cube. At that point, it doesn’t matter how many hours you spent on that brisket because brisket can’t put on its shoes and come to your office. Oh, wait. It totally can.

cheeseburgershoe

Walk this way, you mobile beef patty, you

4. Kitchens can’t be trusted. Couches can.

When was the last time you heard about someone getting hurt on the couch? Try never. That’s because you sit on the couch, it doesn’t sit on you. But kitchens? Kitchens are constantly trying to set you on fire and julien your fingers.

kitchens

Going in the kitchen is totally not worth it.

And just to be even more clear about how hazardous kitchens are:

nubs

Nothin’ but nubs now

You’re not seriously still thinking about going in your kitchen, are you?

sorry

Delivery=Thank you, honey. Your choice.

5. And finally: the best recipe is for laziness

A recipe for laziness.

No surprise: It’s the highest-rated recipe ever

Thank you for listening.  We know it’s not super cool to have an app lecturing you, but we just want you to have real information. We know you’ll make the right decision.

  • Ирина Шор

    Don’t know why no one has commented on this yet. It’s hilarious. And totally speaks to my heart.

  • eat24

    We love you too much to let you near a stove <3

  • gyozafiend

    Melted plastic is awesome.

  • kimberly

    I cannot even use Eat24 as you all aren’t in my area, but still I get the emails each week and read them just for the laugh. Keep it up pantsless people!

  • Gilda Vincent

    I love Eat24. I just don’t have the money to order in as often as I’d like. But I have a great Chinese restaurant I order from through you guys, and I love it.

  • Michael Zand

    This shameless piece of promotion is one of the TOP 5 REASONS America is
    suffering an obesity epidemic. These people want to us to view cooking
    as something difficult, mysterious and impenetrable. Nothing could be
    further from the truth.

    Once you master a few basic skills,
    (reading a recipe and turning on a stove) anyone can prepare a tasty,
    healthy meal in no more than 15 minutes. I’m not talking about
    tasteless vegan food either. I’m talking about beef, chicken, fish and
    pasta meals that taste much better, are healthier and CHEAPER than most
    of the crap you buy from food joints.

    Don’t be fooled by this
    BS. Take control of your cooking your health and your life by learning a
    few simple tasty recipes. You’ll be expanding and experimenting with
    new recipes in no time. Good luck and good eating to you all.

  • Condor B

    This is a shameless piece of promotion, but it’s also clever and funny! It’s not going to keep me out of the kitchen, but I will now be more aware of the dangers associated with cooking ;-). Lighten up!

  • Andi

    Way to take a joke article. You should try laughing sometime; I hear it’s really good for you.

  • eat24

    Hi Gilda, we love you more! We’ll always be here when you need us 🙂

  • eat24

    We’ll keep it up as long as it’s OK for our pants to remain down! We’re expanding every day, and if you have any recommendations of local favorites, send em our way and we’ll reach out to them –> media@eat24.com

  • eat24

    Hi Michael, thanks for your thoughts. Lots of people love cooking, and that’s great (after all, we wouldn’t have any restaurants without them)! But some people hate it, or just don’t have the time. We think those people deserve to eat too, which is why we do what we do 🙂

  • Holly Michelony

    The mandolin definitely had it out for me, as did that stealthy vegetable peeler, from whom I still bear scars. I love to cook, but there is definitely something to be said for keeping all my digits intact. Would love to see you include Blue Mango (my favorite Thai place in San Jose) and how about Royal Taj for Indian food? Thanks! 🙂

  • eat24

    Hi Holly, thanks for the recs! We’ll follow up with the restaurants because we really want you to keep your digits too 🙂

  • Marcia

    you can order healthy good food too and it is funny and creative,

  • sLOUth

    Food with no effort is obviously the best thing ever. I don’t understand why more people don’t get it. I mean really? When was the last time some one surprised you with food and it was a moment that made you angry?

  • Stephanie

    I’ve used it now for a few weeks! It’s so much better then just a pizza delivery! Oh and one week I ordered Chinese food they forgot one item, Eat24 reimbursed me that item with no problems or delays…it was immediate! Thank you for bringing WAY more variety to chose from!

  • eat24

    We’ve always got your back whenever food fails might happen. Also, keep in mind, the more foods you try, the more places you can tell your friends your tastebuds have traveled to. Happy to feed you anytime.

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