Bacon Sriracha Unicorn Diaries

Results Of Our Virtual Confession Booth

October 27, 2016

Anyone who knows us knows that we’re pretty chatty. We run our mouth on Twitter and in our weekly coupon email, but we don’t hear from our customers as often as we should. So to practice our listening skills, we asked Eat24 users to tell us a secret. It turned out way better than when we tried it with strangers on the street, because over 2,000 of you responded.

Commonly Occurring Elements in Eat24 Customer Secrets

YYelp_Eat24_SecretCloud
The responses were surprising, concerning, decadent, and unapolagetically neon. Not unlike a Guy Fieri blooper reel. They were so impressive that we grouped them into categories of crime and turned them into food-themed infographics, because that’s the best way to learn. We threw in a few quotables too (with permission, of course).

Now on to the juicy stuff. We’ll start with a crunchy appetizer of misdemeanors.  

Yelp_Eat24_Guiltchos

Many people shared crimes they committed against food, mostly to tell us they ate too much. Others love food so much that they stole it, engaged in unspoken appetizer misconduct or literally ate cheese off the ground. No shame! Like to pick out all the marshmallows in your cereal? You go-getter. Use the same knife for peanut butter and jelly? Multi-tasking pays. So just like Dad always used to say, screw food rules. Quarantine your peas and mashed potatoes, or mix them. Dip that chip however many times it takes to get the job done. As long as food is going to mouth, you’re eating it right.

Quotables

“all I ate yesterday was 12 rocky road cookies. I’m so ashamed.”

“I have a small bottle of vodka that I’ve secretly added to my tea!”

“I would trade my firstborn for a giant snickerdoodle.”

 

Yelp_Eat24_DimSumID

A few readers revealed their secret identities (which you’re not supposed to do) and we’re thoroughly impressed. The closest thing we have to an alter ego is when we take off our glasses and babies start crying. Just a couple questions: What do aliens order for dinner? How does it feel to be the left foot of a giant super robot? Batmen, would you please get those terrifying clowns in check?

Quotable

“I am from a galaxy far far away and only came to earth because of Eat24.  We have nothing like it in my galaxy.”

 

Yelp_Eat24_SushiShame

They say your body’s a temple, but some temples are haunted and creepy and full of farts. Like a bit too much wasabi on your maki, a few people confessed more than we wanted to know about their bodies. From 3rd and 4th nipples, to flatulence, to general body issues, we received a lot of secrets we really didn’t need to hear. But at least we can say we’ve never felt closer to our customers.

Quotables

“I have really disgusting farts that sometimes I just can’t hold in, and if anyone notices I blame it on whoever just left the room.”
“I have (2) “extra” nipples that were supposed just be birthmarks….. Until I had kids and discovered they are in fact NOT just birthmarks. SSSSSHHHHHHH”

 

Yelp_Eat24_SlothSandwich

Some people admitted being a bit lazy (honestly we’re surprised they had the energy to respond in the first place). Like a sloth in a hammock, you guys confessed (eventually) to ditching work, watching too much TV and hating pants. Of all the confessions, laziness was our biggest group of secrets (but also the one we relate to the most).

Quotables

“My secret: I’ve come to work late every day this week reciting “I’ve been going to the gym in the morning” when I’ve been just lying in bed for an extra two hours.”

“I used my ex’s Netflix account to binge-watch Cupcake Wars, then denied it.”

“I ate a salad with my hands so I wouldn’t have to wash a fork.”

 

Yelp_Eat24_AngerPizza

Everyone needs a punching bag from time to time (and some garlic knots) and we’re hear to listen, sympathize and hand you a napkin. Apparently, a few of our customers have some anger issues they needed to get off their chest (or belly). It’s better to give in to your hate then let it stew inside and turn you into that creep with the crazy mustache who ties girls to train tracks.

Quotables

“I lied about being stuck at the airport last weekend to avoid my friends birthday dinner. I hate birthday dinners. lol”
“I really, really, really hate when people put pineapple on pizza.”

“My boss is a tool. Sometimes I go into his office when he’s not around and fart in his office and close the door.”

 

Yelp_Eat24_ParfaitBetray

And finally, for dessert, several of you cheated on us to make dinner plans with Apps Who Shall Not Be Named. We’re not saying you shouldn’t have told us, but we’re also not saying we didn’t cry in the bathroom until HR told us to get back to work. We’re fine now. Temptation lies around every corner and it’s okay to be curious. Anyone can offer you a $10 coupon, but just remember who brings home the bacon. And can make you laugh.

Quotables

“I cheated on a 4th grade geography test.”

“I went on a sexy chatroom when I was mad at my boyfriend”

“I’ve used that other food delivery app. Don’t be mad they just gave me a coupon. 🙁 🙁 🙁 “

 

Some of our favorite responses did not fit into any category, but were too glorious not to share. So we’ll just leave these bite-size nuggets here for your enjoyment:

Leftover Quotables

“i don’t use Venmo.”

“I’m a secret flosser. I go into the bathroom and floss after dinner. Then, at bedtime, when my partner and I are both in the bathroom, I floss again and brush my teeth. My partner doesn’t know of my flossing compulsion – yet, but I’m sure it’s just a matter of time.”

“I know where Waldo is.”

“I have foreseen the end of the world, it involves dried apricots.”

 

In conclusion, our customers are awesome and now we have the data to prove it. If reading this inspired you to confess your own secrets, we’re always listening on Twitter at @Eat24 and lurking on Instagram @Eat24.

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