Bacon Sriracha Unicorn Diaries

Food Horoscopes: EAT24’s Guide To The Future

November 03, 2014

Is the future filled with cheese or chocolate? Is Mercury’s orbit trying to tell you something about tacos? How many mozzarella sticks are needed to sustain a relationship? Great questions deserve great answers. The EAT24 astrologer has read the writing on the pizza box and offers you these horoscopes to help you make the most of the upcoming week.




Livin’ the dream

This week, everything will go your way. Your order of fries will have a few onion rings mixed in, each bite of burrito will have equal parts meat, rice, and guac, your mozzarella sticks will be beautifully melty, and your pancakes will be 30% fluffier. The universe has clearly blessed you. Just don’t get too cocky. You’re still human and are definitely susceptible to brain freeze.




A thousand times YES!

Are you ready to meet your soulmate? Then pay very close attention to the small things this week. Is your pizza more than a friend, perhaps? It’s very possible it might have been The One all along. Try adding a bit of chili pepper flakes to it and see if you notice a spark. Go slow at first, but your mouth will know what to do.





The pizza in our stars.

A conflict with a friend will have some unintended consequences if you don’t handle the situation with diplomacy. Our advice? Show your flexibility and outside the box thinking by suggesting that your order the fries and the nachos. Sure, you could compromise and only choose one, but it’s a bit silly to deny yourself double the deliciousness, especially when Mercury is in retrograde. Or not in retrograde. We’re too busy eating to look it up.



donut river2

Take a break and float down the Donut River.

It’s easy to get bogged down in all your have to do, but try to take some time to relax and enjoy yourself. Sometimes work can wait, and that sometime might be now. Maybe it’s time to go on a vacation or at least spend a weekend at that pizza buffet you’ve been eyeing. The point is, take time to stop and smell the pulled pork with tangy BBQ sauce and coleslaw.



Eating cheese = more friends

As the full moon approaches, be sure to celebrate the lunar god’s favorite cheese by eating lots of Swiss. By doing so, you’ll find your Patty Melt will taste better and your fondue will enjoy a nuttier flavor profile. Should you opt for another kind of cheese this week, beware of the moon’s anger. He doesn’t take cheese tributes lightly.




Never go to bed angry…about egg rolls.

Communication is the cornerstone of all relationships, and this week your skills will be put to the test. If you want the last egg roll, just say so. It’s pointless to say you’re full and then hold onto the bitterness of not getting it for the rest of the week. You might also consider ordering extra egg rolls next time to avoid the tension.




You’ve been giving so much to others lately – your time, your energy, your tater tots – so this week it’s very important to take some time to focus on you. You might start by putting on some calming music (we love “Eat It” by Weird Al), lighting a few candles, and drawing up a warm bath of curry to soak your tongue in. And don’t feel guilty. You deserve it!




Breathe in, breathe out.

Big things are about to happen. Keep your eyes peeled for a highly influential person who might be able to help you take things to the next level. You might meet them at work, it may even happen in the grocery store. The important part is to stay calm and articulately explain your idea to make deep fried pizza “a thing”.




Free food had us like…

A friend’s request to help him move this weekend will bring you deep satisfaction and a sense of community. Though it’s possible that feeling means you’re a good friend, it’s also possible that feeling is what happens when you get the free beer and pizza you were promised. Anyway, it’s best to not think about it too much and simply enjoy your free meal.




Business 101

An opportunity at work will put you front and center. No need to be nervous. Just remember to bring cheese fries to the presentation. Why cheese fries? Simple. Scientists have proven that cheese fries allow you to exercise mind control over the people you give them to. Or at least that’s what happens when people give cheese fries to us.




Tee Hee

Last week you allowed a negative event to transform the way you feel about cupcakes. The truth of the matter is that you should have just licked the icing off the box rather than spiral into despair about how janky the cupcake looked. It’s not always about appearances. It’s about the mouth feel. Try to keep that in mind this week and see if you feel more positive about the future.






This week will be your finest week ever. You can expect excellent weather, a raise, marital bliss, exciting travel plans, and no hangovers. If it approaches the end of the week and none of these things have happened, download the EAT24 app and order something from your favorite pizza spot. No sense in the whole week being a disappointment.

Back to top