Introducing The Eat24 Burrito Koozy
The wheel. The Model T. Individual ketchup packets.
These are inventions that changed the world. Inventions that have become so essential to modern life, that thinking of a world without them is like imagining sushi without wasabi, or burger without bacon. In a word: scary.
But today, we are proud to announce the next big thing. A product destined to revolutionize not just the nation, but the world.
Introducing The Eat24 Burrito Koozy.
What is it? Well it’s a koozy, but not for something lame like soda cans or beer bottles. This koozy is for… drumroll please… burritos. Take a moment to breathe in the refried-bean-scented glory that is the future.
Look, if you’re having a hard time picturing this, just take a look at this infomercial that we made.
If you’re already sold, visit burritokoozy.com and sign up to become a beta tester. If you need a bit more convincing, read on.
When we set out to design the next big thing, we knew it wasn’t going to be easy. Burritos are pretty much the best thing in the known universe (sorry space nachos). Would it even be possible to improve upon perfection?
We knew there had to be some way to make burritos even more burrito-y. So we asked our bosses for $1,643.12 to do some hard-core, data driven, result-oriented research.
After several gassy days of brain busting, we cracked it. What was the main thing stopping people from truly enjoying their foot long tube of spicy goodness? We’ll give you a hint: It’s silver, crinkly, with an atomic number of 13 and a periodic symbol of AI: Yup, Foil.
Foil is the only reason burritos aren’t perfect. Foil makes you slowly unravel burritos bite by bite like some unholy Christmas gift. Foil leaves behind a stinky, greasy messy pile of scraps. Worst of all, have you ever accidentally bitten into foil? Take a moment to imagine a delicious burrito bite full of pinto beans, shredded cheese, crunchy lettuce, cool sour cream, chunky guacamole and all of a sudden FOIL!!!!!!
With our problem identified, we knew exactly how to fix that 1% of non-awesomeness.
A koozy. A warm, soft, insulated wrapper that would completely eliminate the need for foil. Burrito Lovers would now be able to get their burrito, completely free from foil and place it directly in a snug, secure koozy.
But if you think we stopped there, you’d be wrong.
A Warm Burrito is a Happy Burrito
What’s worse than a burrito with cold cheese and lukewarm beans? Well, a lot actually, but still burritos should always be warm, or at the very least, not cold.
That’s exactly why we developed our koozy with some patented thermal-nuclear-fusion science-y technology. Ok, we didn’t actually patent anything because it turns out that’s quite a bit of work, BUT we can tell you the Burrito Koozy is made with some sort of shiny material we can only assume keeps your bundle of joy well insulated.
Oh, The Places You’ll Eat!
Along with being an incredibly safe, fashionable accessory, the Eat24 Burrito Koozy is extremely reliable. Which means you can use our Koozy:
Made with aquatic, reflective, next level technology, the Koozy is 100% waterproof (but only up to 16.5 meters. Apologies to mermaids).
What makes this amazing is all the new places you can now eat burritos without ever worrying about a soggy tortilla. Thunderstorms? Yup. Tropical Rainforest? Sure. Water Parks? Why not?
A Safer, More Secure Burrito
Facts are facts: burritos can be dangerous. Yes, of course they’re delicious. But what you might not know is that burritos are responsible for the majority of ER visits. Seriously, check out these totally-not-made-up statistics:
Ok, maybe those statistics are a little (a lot) exaggerated, but the point remains, some people get hurt by improper burrito lifting techniques each year and, well…better safe than sorry? Take a look.
Injuries aside, how many times have you had a few drinks and simply needed to put your burrito down to go to the bathroom, get another drink or sing along to Chumbawumba? Thinking about it, you’ve probably been forced to spend seconds, minutes, or even days trying to find your lost burrito in a hunger-induced panic.
That’s why we developed the non-patented burrito strap-on; a comfortable, soft and secure neck brace to keep your burrito closer to you, which can only lead to good things. Like burritos. No more theft, no more confusion, no more accidentally switching burritos with the weirdo who ordered his without cheese. Just you and your burrito, together forever.
Finally, we’re aware that burrito thieves are a real problem, and we get it. When you’re eating a sad, wilty salad and your deskmate is eating a burrito, you might go to some pretty desperate measures.
That’s why, along with protecting your neck, wrist and arms, the Burrito Koozy is equipped with the very latest security protocols*. In order to gain access to your burrito, a 12-digit code that changes every 5 minutes must be entered, along with a fingerprint scan, retina identification and voice recognition repeating the phrase, “beany, beany yum-yum, get in my tum-tum.” So go ahead, leave your burrito in the fridge worry free and go about your day.
*OK, real talk. We ran out of budget, but man, wouldn’t this alarm be cool? For now, just lock up your burrito.
No More Burrito Drops:
How many times has this happened to you?
Hold back those tears. We’ve been there. And burrito fails are a real problem. Besides simply suffering from a slippery burrito, it’s important to be able to grab-and-go your burrito in this hustle and bustle world we live in. Let’s take this very practical scenario:
You get a freshly made burrito (carnitas and black beans naturally). The smell is potent. Strong enough to attract every person in a square mile radius. You need to escape. Lucky for you, you have a burrito koozy. Snap on your burrito carabiner and you’re off!
Hop a fence, cross traffic, even dodge that angry puppy. When your burrito easily clips to you like a modern refried Indiana Jones, it’s easy to run away from all your problems (at least your burrito related ones).
This Nub’s For You
Not only is our koozy well equipped for the elements, we’ve developed a zipper so you can slowly unfurl each and every delicious bite. Simply bite, zip, bite, and zip until you’ve had your fill of burrito.
This top-of-the-line zipper technology means the koozy is also a self-contained storage device. Yup. That means exactly what you think it does: No more deciding whether it’s “worth it” to save the last few bites of your burrito. That’s not a choice anyone should have to make.
But wait… there’s more
Everything we’ve told you about was the standard edition Burrito Koozy, but what if we told you we’ve also been developing some extra-add ons. These are still in very early prototype phase, but could be available as soon as 2047!
The Eat24 Burrito Straw:
Want the deliciousness of burritos without all the carbs? Just rip open up the top of your tortilla, mix vigorously, and slurp your burrito away. Maximum flavor, half of the carbs, all the weird looks from strangers!
The Eat24 Pump Action Liner:
Sometimes burritos are the perfect size and fit snugly in our koozy, but sometimes you just want a fun sized burrito. Well, our pump action lining creates a snug fit, no matter how big or small your burrito may be. Just slide in, pump to your desired snugness, and enjoy!
The Eat24 Burrito Deodorizer:
Burritos smell delicious. Sometimes, a little too delicious. As soon as you break the tortilla skin, everyone in a 15-foot radius comes running in for a bite. But with the all-new Burrito Deodorizer, simply spray and eat in peace as the perfumed molecules neutralize all bean, cheese, meat, salsa, guacamole, and rice flavors. Available in Spring Breeze, Misty Forest and Desert Heat.
We get it. You live life on the wild side, one drop of Tapatio at a time. But pouring from the bottle every bite makes you a bit of a hot sauce hog. Our custom engraved dipper takes you from caveman sauce dumper to a scientific connoisseur of spicy libations.
Everyone knows a burrito is only as good as its chips and salsa. But carrying around a brown paper bag makes you look like some sort of strange smuggler. Our specially designed pouches attach comfortably so you can chip and dip anywhere.
Tired of getting burritos in which the bean-to-rice-to-meat ratio is all wrong? Fix the mistake your burrito roller made with our custom blender. Simply insert, power up and enjoy your new burrito with the perfect combination of ingredients in each bite.
Have a friend downstairs in need of an immediate burrito fix? Just attach the burrito parachute and make it rain deliciousness! (Not recommended for burritos 2lbs or larger)
OK Shut Up! How Can I Get One?