Bacon Sriracha Unicorn Diaries

10 Snack Flavors That Should Never Exist

December 14, 2017

If you’ve gone outside lately (which we don’t advise but sometimes happens), you might have seen some new snack flavors. Blueberry-blasted cinnamon cereal, chili cheese corn dog twists, red velvet cheesecake, cookies, ice cream, and anything else that can be red velvetized (which is everything).

So to stay on top of the snack game, we created some unique flavor combos that we plan to submit to Oreo, our local grocery store, people on the street, and whoever else who will listen.

  1. Toothpaste and OJ

Admit it, toothpaste tastes like the filling of a mint Oreo. So start the day with this freshly-squeezed, tartar-fighting drink.

  1. Grouper and Gorgonzola

Just combine the two smelliest things you can think of and hope that it’ll be as popular as sour cream and onion.

  1. Hot Dog Water

Pulpy orange juice is a disgrace, but the verdict is out on pulp in hot dog water. Plus, it’d pair really well with mustard. Vote with your dollars, people.

  1. Chocolate Blasted Shrimp

We flip-flopped on whether it should be chocolate blasted shrimp, or shrimp blasted chocolate, and ended up choosing the more texturally intriguing option.

5. Cornflakes and Water

This guilt-free cracker is pure as driven snow, containing 3% corn and 97% crunch.

6. Ghost Ectoplasm

Snackers love amorphous substances like tapioca and Velveeta, so we bottled up some genetically engineered ghosts (aka Flubber).

7. Blue Blast with Fear of Commitment Swirl

Does anyone know what “blue” tastes like? Probably not, so that’s why we added a boost of unmistakable fear into this creamy treat.

8. XTREME! celeryIn case you didn’t know, celery salt in popcorn is awesome. It takes roughly a bushel of celery to make one tablespoon of celery salt, so we’re bringing you a bag of popcorn and 12 stalks of celery.

9. Remember the 80s?

KitKat figured out long ago that if you wrap anything in chocolate it’ll taste good. So we put an Ataris controller, a DEVO hat, and a sideways ponytail in this one for you nostalgia lovers.

10. Student Loans & Lettuce

We have this recurring nightmare that all our cash money turned into lettuce and we had to eat salad for lunch for the rest of the week. But as a chip flavor, it might work.

Honorable Mentions
Sour beer
Fried chocolate
Sriracha that’s been out for two years
Peanut & Starbursts
Boxed Wine
Caramel Wasabi
Lime & Bailey’s
Cherry Cola & Eggplant
Mashed Potatoes & Mountain Dew Code Red
Meercat Milk
White Chocolate Ham
Artic Blitz Gatorade & The Police

So what do we want? Snacks. When do we want them? Before and after naps. Got a flavor idea that you think will be the next Honey Mustard? Post it on our Facebook or Twitter and we’ll see what we can do.

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